Watch This, Don’t Read That

It’s universally accepted among dentists and convicted felons that a movie is better than a book. In the style of the ubiquitous “Eat This, Not That” series, I present the alternative to staring at little squiggles on a page ripped from a tree. Save the Earth, watch a movie.

1. The Great Gatsby

Everyone says this is the greatest novel written by the greatest author of the greatest country on Earth, but that kind of makes you not want to read it. Should you watch a recent film adaptation, a.k.a. “Four Hours of Leonardo DeCaprio’s Life”? Hellz, no. Watch “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” It’s got the same frou-frou garbage as the novel, and you’ll have something to talk about at the next meeting of the bridge club.

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2. The Hobbit

Don’t be caught reading this by anyone female, or you’ll never date again. Unless you have a lifetime membership in the Society for Creative Anachronism and sell leather mugs at RenFair, you need to stay far away. Watch Willow instead. It stars the height-challenged Warwick Davis and what’s his name … Iceman from Top Gun.

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3. Any book with vampires

Speaking of Top Gun, most people would say vampires jumped the shark about the time Maverick and Brad Pitt started biting people on the neck during Interview With A Vampire. Other people would say vampires never jumped the shark because they can’t swim. I don’t care. Instead of torturing yourself with ANY vampire book, movie, or television show, just watch Big Trouble In Little China. Kurt Russell is a beautiful diamond of an actor. The ONLY exception to this total ban on all vampire media is Fright Night (1985), which features the eternally charming and loquacious Roddy McDowall.

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4. Fifty Shades of Grey

Anyone who tells you to read this elephantine load of elephantine manure is either stupid or has a mouthful of Zanax. Watch the 1984 classic Supergirl. It’s basically the same thing for guys. Women? I don’t know, maybe watch Ghost again, where Patrick Swayze does that thing.

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5. Any history book or the Bible

Watch History of the World, Part I. It’s even got “history” in the title!

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