Dating A Writer

Dating is something everyone should try at least once, but it’s definitely a sport for the young, what with all the shaving of legs, wearing of silk stockings, and riding on the back of a Harley behind large, hirsute gentlemen. I always had problems keeping my skirt from flying up, and everyone knows the color of a man’s drawers should always be secret.

For those of you interested in what it would be like to date a literary type (e.g. “a writer,” or “writeress”), I’ve compiled a few helpful suggestions.

1. DON’T DATE A WRITER

Writers may seem like perfectly normal people. They drink soup, they flip over tables, they smoke e-cigarettes. The fact of the matter is, writers are freakishly abominable creatures with more neuroses than a chihuahua tied to a lamp post outside Denny’s at 3 AM. Writing is just a way to deal with the garbage rolling around inside their tiny minds. Of course everyone has neuroses! Other people handle it by playing golf or watching TV or beating up teenagers, not by smearing it across a sheet of paper like a child being potty trained. Stay far away from these people.

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2. If you happen to date a writer, AVOID TALKING ABOUT WORK

Writing is a product of grammar; all writers write; therefore all writers love grammar.

Don’t believe this syllogism unless you want to spend an hour at Boston Market listening to your date go on about the proper use of “whom.” Even worse, never willingly enter a conversation with a pair of writers, unless you want to learn the meaning of the phrase “thematic dissonance.” All you wanted was someone to hold your hair while you blow chunks of fish cake into the toilet, not a master class on fiction. Books are like sausages; nobody wants to see them being made.

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3.If you happen to be a writer, DON’T DATE A WRITER

Sharing a thesaurus along with mouth germs may seem like a bargain, but six minutes later you’re throwing chairs at each other over the difference between magical realism and fantasy. Writers are crazy people. You should know that if you really are one. Dating another writer is like peanut butter and chocolate, or Luke Skywalker versus William Shatner.

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4. Lock up the silverware

Writers may be rich in anecdotes, but apart from Clive Cussler they’re as poor as a stick. For this reason, but mainly because these are unbalanced people seeking strange experiences, they’ll steal everything in sight. Unless you want to see your bath mats and the contents of your sock drawer flogged at the local flea market, keep them away from your house for at least two years.

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 5. Two Words: Pepper Spray

People who sit in a tiny room all day and stare at the wall are normally called felons, recidivists, and bankers. Just because Tommy Twiddlethumbs voluntarily locks himself in his “office” in the back yard and writes a series of “novels” about talking cats who live in the “Space Needle” doesn’t make it better. Just like someone in the financial sector or a recently pardoned felon, a writer on a first date will be as grabby as an octopus at a Tokyo convention of tentacle monsters. Pepper spray will save your life. Even better, it’ll keep that pig Tommy from wrinkling the Versace blouse you wore in case a more attractive and less-garlicky-smelling man happened to see you at the restaurant.

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